Apple’s announcement will stun phone world

Robert Rufa Columnist

It is closing in on Christmas in 2018, and at a major press extravaganza, Apple CEO Tim Cook stuns the tech world with the latest bombshell from Apple — the imminent release of the yPhone. Reporters, many looking at their iPhones in disgust, bombard Cook with numerous variations of the same question: “Why a yPhone, Tim?”

To which Cook nimbly responds, “Why ‘y’? Well, why not ‘y’?”

Reporters, fearful that their expensive iThingies would soon be obsolete, press on. “Why not iPhone 46?” they all whine.

In a manner ordinarily reserved for luddites, Cook tries to explain: “We’ve been making iSomethings forever — even before we were calling them iThis and iThat. We decided it was time for another letter of the alphabet.”

“Like what?” shouts one reporter.

“What “what’?” Cook responds.

“What did you call them before iThis and iThat?”

“Oh. Well, in 1993 we introduced our first tablet, the Newton MessagePad 100. Remember it?”

Stunned silence.

Cook chuckles. “That’s OK — I don’t either, truth be told.”

“So why the change to iSomething in the first place?” asks another reporter.

“Well, you’ll have to ask Steve that question.”

“But he’s —”

“Yes. Well, we’re working on that.”

“What does that mean?” shouts a reporter from the back of the auditorium.

“I really don’t want to get too deeply into it now,” Cook says. “Let’s just say Steve’s hard drive wasn’t wiped when he left this earthly plane.”

“I know — the iJobs,” offers the same reporter.

Cook smiles. “Let’s just say we’ve retired the i.”

“The yJobs?” persists the reporter at the rear.

“Look, we’ve digressed here. Today we’re talking about the new yPhone. Ask me what it will do.”

“OK, I’ll bite,” says a veteran reporter up front. “What will the yPhone do?”

“It will do so much more than your latest iPhone, as you’re about to see.”

As if on cue, a huge screen behind Cook comes to life, filled with streaming video of a Boy Scout encampment. “As you can see,” Cook narrates, “several Scouts are gathered around the campfire pit, which has been piled with kindling. Now watch.”

One of the Scouts takes what appears to be a phone out of his pocket and points it at the kindling. Amazingly, the twigs piled on dried grasses burst into flame. “Beats rubbing two sticks together, no?” Cook says. “The new yPhone got that fire going with its built-in laser. And it can even boil water.”

The video goes on to demonstrate a few more of the new yPhone’s features — including, as Cook describes them, its built-in scale for weighing bass and other game fish, and its spectrometer feature, which is especially handy for analyzing the ingredients in that marvelous béchamel sauce you just had at Jacques Bistro and saving it as a yRecipe.

“Amazing,” says a young reporter. “Is there anything the yPhone can’t do?”

“Well, just one minor thing,” says Cook. “So far we can’t get it to talk to an iPhone.”